- Messages
- 2,995
First off, want to thank Tubzy for starting this forum. This is great. I think we have a place where we can really reason and rhyme to try and fix some of the health issues we all may be dealing with right now. Pharmaceuticals handed out by doctors in an FDA approved society ended up causing some major problems in a good portion of those here's lives. Unfortunate, but it happened. We are men though.. we are young and strong.
Secondly, @GBolduev coming along providing his views to help get us out of this mess was really a godsend for me. I was on a path based on everything I've learned to get better, and @GBolduev truly validated and added quite a bit more to what exactly I am trying to do. He has given me more of an exact guide to mold my plan after. Whereas before I was very back and forth about a lot of things weighing Gerson Therapy, Andreas Moritz type treatment.. now I have a legitimate plan with @GBolduev that I can 100% buy into and proceed with. I really got into his stuff only 2 weeks ago on my birthday after speaking to my friend @freeflow. What a gift huh?
Now, I have a long story here. I'm going to write it because why not? You don't have to read my pre-PFS days. If you don't have time, I'd advise skipping to PFS or all the way to the beginning of my "Holistic Healing" section. I feel this way because I believe a good portion of PFS guys also now have a form of CFS like myself. In this form of CFS, pathogens and their toxins cause mayhem throughout the body.
Pathogens exist to make your lives miserable eating at your minerals and vitamins while releasing toxins that are just horrible for the body. They eat, they reproduce, they shit, and die in you. Their toxic wastes include ammonia which is basically poison for our tissues and the brain.
PFS gives pathogens and their toxins the ability to thrive and make your life worse. With PFS your endocrine system is now weakened, your metabolic rate now insufficient- a metabolic rate that was previously ammo to keep pathogens and their substances out of play.
While we all can hope a special drug can reverse our horrible PFS symptoms, I believe there is a lot more to it than that. We need to remove these deadly critters and their wastes so our bodies can reverse track. I’m especially speaking to those that have the severe mental and physical sides beyond sexual from PFS.
Fatigue, chemical depression and anxiety, poor sleep, weakness, joint pain, you name it. Pathogens and their toxins are causing this- not PFS itself. The PFS surely has allowed this to happen, but we can reverse these CFS type symptoms. I’m doing it right now.. and the PFS symptoms are decreasing as well.
Here’s my story that I’m sure won’t end for another couple years or so. But it will end and there will be an amazing new beginning one day. I am sure of that. I am so confident.
My Pre PFS Days
I just turned 29 last week and sadly I must say the majority of my 20s have been a bit of a health adventure. There's really only one way to put it. I handled it horribly the majority of the way- especially last October.
For some reason, after graduating college in 2011 at 22, I realized I just wasn't myself. It was crazy- I could always go out and do what I wanted physically throughout my whole life until then. The last 8 weeks of college I went on a little bender drinking like 6 nights a week and eating horribly putting on a quick 15 lbs.
I worked a night job after that bender for a couple months then started working in the day. Something just happened where I'd suddenly be fatigued from just average days. Work days, golf, alcohol- things just started beating me up badly. I'd be taking naps in cars after work, workouts didn't produce results, muscle wasting. A muscular frame went scrawny and a belly started to build up. I was working out 4-6 times per week with a decent diet living not perfectly but perfectly decent. I also didn't realize that anxiety started affecting me significantly as well. I just wasn't the same anymore these next two years after college at 23, 24.
I took the wrong path man. No other way to put it. I started chasing hormones and being far more concerned about these levels than what the heck was actually wrong with me. Doctors saw these low hormone levels and agreed with me.
They tested me for Lyme in 2014 at the age of 25 and it came back "negative" as they told me. Well, I found the test in my files 3 years later and it actually says "equivocal." This should have been addressed by my doctor and it was not unfortunately. I messed up- I should have looked into this paperwork.
The major relevant test that came back in 2014 was a very low cortisol test result. This result was bottom of the barrel low well below the range all day. Thing is- it was that low because I beat myself up that previous weekend. Probably just drinking on Saturday, but my Mondays were always awful after drinking on Saturdays. So this particular Monday I took this test and that's probably the only day of the week my cortisol was actually that severely low.
The doctor told me I had adrenal fatigue and I used hydrocortisone the next 6 months. The last 2 of those 6 months I tapered off from 20mg- 2.5 mg per week or so. During the taper, I felt awful and was getting worse the more I dropped the dose. Suddenly out of nowhere I started feeling really a ton better when I got to 2.5 mg. We receive some saliva cortisol results a few weeks later when I was totally off of the HC to find it at the top of the range! There's a reason why I feel great now- the hydrocortisone worked! Little did I know.
3 months later, cortisol crashed again-mid 2015 now. Symptoms came back. Low cortisol this time but it was just low end of the range. I was fine at this time but stress response wasn't great. I realized taking natural testosterone boosters really gave me a boost. D-Aspartic acid was my favorite one. Clomid helped too. I was living pretty decently working 50 hours a week, could golf, go out with friends and drink on weekends. I couldn't push the limits though. I worked out and stayed in okay shape.
Come early 2016, I decided to really go down the hormone route. I didn't like the way clomid made me feel long term and DAA didn't seem to have lasting effects. Its like both of them gave me a 2 month high and that would be it. And that high kept on declining. I started using TRT cream with pregenenolone and t3 with the help of someone who had a detailed plan on how to use these hormones to "raise metabolic rate". Man his stuff really worked- I hate saying it. I felt great for the most part- with some fatigue here and there and I just didn't get it but anxiety was worse too looking back.
I felt strong though, I was happy, I was really enjoying life again. I had my little band aid all figured out. "My hormones were messed up so I use hormones." I thought I was so smart...
Insanity
I took finasteride due to the hair loss TRT was causing in late October, early November 2016. I really thought it could only effect libido (as I was told and figured with lowering DHT) and mine was through the roof on TRT. I was extremely negligent for allowing this drug to go in my mouth. I could try to blame others, but me taking this drug was 99.99% my fault. Sure a doctor prescribed it, sure I was given some bad information from someone I trusted. This is all on me- I had health issues, I should have been a million times more careful.
I used it for 3 weeks and stopped it after fatigue and sleep issues. I quickly got better after stopping, I literally felt it when it came out of my system say 72 hours after my last dose. I was in office and felt a sudden major surge of libido and just a feeling of niceness like I had just smoked a joint, sounds were more evident, and lights were brighter. "Nice, that stupid hair pill is out of my system now thank God"! 3 weeks after stopping- the mental explosion that went off in my head truly can not be described.
My brain just went nuts, panic attack after panic attack, incapability of sleep. The racing thoughts were nonstop and constant. I was in office when this all happened and I had no idea what was going on. I thought there was something wrong with cortisol from the pregnenolone and t3 initially. I messed around with preg, t3, testo doses. Brain spinning in circles, diagonal circles to be more clear. It felt like my brain was 5 feet above my head. My blood pressure shot through the roof... after being normally 130/80 most afternoons it jumped to 160/100 and sometimes higher. I was so freakin messed up and didn’t know what to do other than take drugs to calm me down. It was so horrible and just an experience you couldn't possibly make up.
Its like my brain was moving at 1000 MPH and life was moving at 5MPH. When I watched TV I couldn't concentrate as brain was moving way faster than the screen. I was freezing- the cold New England winter weather itself caused panic attacks, I couldn't sleep, I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong.
I started researching post finasteride syndrome. I came into contact with Tubzy and another longtime PFS fighter and they both thought I should try 5a-dhp. But yea, I figured out what PFS really was. It was bad, but most guys didn’t have these crazy symptoms!
I started seeing doctors and tried to continue with TRT, but I couldn't function mentally without an anti-anxiety or antidepressant. My HPA axis was so fast spitting cortisol out rapidly in the morning and then burning out later in the day. My breath would taste so horrible by evening and my parents smelled it (I had moved home with them immediately upon crashing).
These were my cortisol results when I crashed...
830am 16 (13-24)
12:30am 20!!! (5-10)
530pm 4 (3-8)
10pm 3 (1-4)
My body was so stressed. I had no idea why. I just thought I had PFS and now a brain problem. Stupidly, I really started trying to figure out the antidepressant and band-aid route for a few months as that’s what my doctor wanted too.
I knew I needed an antidepressant. I overthought this stuff though. I was A-OK on cyproheptadine to start fighting PFS and finding my real ailment beyond PFS in late January. But instead I kept trying antidepressants the next 4 months and kept trying TRT which made anxiety worse and worse and sexual symptoms started getting horrible TRT or not.
I got off TRT in March. I was completely impotent. Looking back, yea, I couldn't have gotten hard for Rihanna. My cock was 1/2 the size it once was and my balls were shrunken up and stuck to my body. My penis was just there for peeing and that was it. Couldn't believe this was actually real.
Mental and physical symptoms kept getting worse as I woke up every single morning with the worst fatigue and fog you could imagine. I wanted to start fighting at this point and did a 6 day juice fast with the help of Ativan (anti-anxiety) in mid March. I just felt even worse afterward. A liver flush in early April gave me some relief for about 24 hours while still mentally medicated.
I started realizing either we had to find out what was really wrong with me or my life was over. I was terribly sick. This wasn't just PFS. Suicide kept wandering my mind, but I had to give this a shot. I had to give this time. Every time I'd taper off benzos though, the suicidal thoughts just couldn't stop. I couldn't stand up straight off the mental meds.. life a constant panic attack and my brain would hurt so much. My neuro issues were worsening significantly. I had to figure out what was wrong with me... now.
During this time period- mid-December through May, I barely worked (like 15 hours per week) for my family's company. I spent almost all my time in bed. I couldn't watch sports. I'm a huge college basketball fan- I really don't remember March Madness right now. I didn't watch the games. Watching Tom Brady bring the Pats back in the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history wasn't even fun. I just thought my life was over.
I had alcohol 3 times during this horrible time period as well. Each time caused the worst panic attacks imaginable only an hour or two after stopping drinking. I'm talking only 2 glasses of wine causing this.
I will say one thing I did do during this time period. I read and I learned. I also found elevated beta glucuronidase in a stool kit along with elevated b12 for no apparent reason. I theorized the liver was having a detox issue based on these results and reading up on them. While a definite issue, I actually thought this was the core of my issues. I needed help badly. I got it.
Hello Myco-freakin-plasma
I found Shawn Bean because Konflict and Slayo over on solvepfs were talking about him. I realized I had actually spoken to him on a forum back in 2013 when I was doing hormones. His advice in 2013 essentially.. "You need to look beyond the hormones." Ugh. I just wish I knew who he was back then and listened!
I flew to Philly in Mid May. I remember it was game 1 of Celtics-Cavs series I watched a bit in my hotel room there. I kind of just knew it- whatever Shawn found or whatever we were doing to get me better would include a strict diet. So I literally ate 30 dollars of candy in the airport, had an amazing French Toast breakfast as a late night snack after the Celtics game at a diner. Just splurged on food. I’m a foodie at heart- this diet stuff nowadays ain’t fun for me.
The appointment with Shawn went great. I just knew he was a genius 5 minutes into talking with him. Did I think he could help me? No, I didn't think anyone could help me. I thought I was worst case scenario and there was no way out. I realized I had to give Shawn a chance though.
After seeing him, I went and had bloodwork done for him- like 70 tubes worth. A couple days later in late May, a family fight regarding treatment (they wanted me to see a local psychiatrist and his team, I wanted to work with just Shawn) led to me hucking a water bottle across the room and breaking a cabinet. My parents called the cops on me and I ended up being taken in an ambulance to a mental institution. "Well this will be interesting, at least I get to experience a mental home before I die."
The first night there, I was given an antipsychotic and I woke up the next morning HORRRIBLE. I was so freakin mad. From there I just messed around trying antidepressants for 14 days from a Doctor who just didn't respect me one bit. On his write up "he's blaming his mental health issue on a pill he took this past November." I'd love to punch this guy out one day.
I behaved very well there and was good to the workers and especially the patients there, I will say that. I found drugs that kept me "stable." Mirtazapine, benzos, lithium got me through my stay. I thought I’d need to find an antidepressant (beyond benzos or cyproheptadine) for years as my neuro issues were that bad.
I realized here that I’m probably the only person in the room that could possibly heal himself of severe mental illness. I stopped feeling bad for myself by the end of my stay. I’m still me. Most of these people really have no chance out. They weren’t mentally or physically adept to do so.
I still had my wits when I was medicated, I was just so weak and felt so horrible every second of everyday. "Maybeee, I have a chance though. Maybe we’ll figure this out," I sometimes pondered. As a friend told me when I got out after finding out I was suicidal, “You’re Anthony. You don’t quit.” That stuck with me.
I received bloodwork from Shawn via email during that stay. "Why didn't you get the pathogens done? Interesting stuff though, manganese is very low, I'm thinking it could be mycoplasma." I didn't think much of it other than "yea I'll get these bloods done when I get out." I had the rest of the bloods done a few days after getting out.
The Pathogen test came back showing an insanely high mycoplasma infection and several other infections including Epstein Barr. I went online and started "googling" mycoplasma and legitimately nobody had anything nearly as high as mine:
3600 IGG and 3700 IGM. Most people online were saying how hard it was to eradicate when it would be below 1000 IGM or IGG. Man it freaked me out. I had no chance- "PFS and this, my life is over."
Shawn sent me to a neurologist in NYC. I had all these PFS autoimmune disease theories at this point and that maybe IVIG therapy was the way out of PFS and this doctor was keen on this. It gave me hope. She also found Lyme, babesia, bartonella, rickettsia along with elevated ammonia levels in my blood.
We did a month of antibiotics beginning in early July- clarithromycine and minocycline. I started herxing like crazy sometimes on the antibiotics. A herx is short for the "herxheimer reaction"- when you kill pathogens, the toxins from die off give you some pretty difficult neuro symptoms to deal with. Man the first night of herxing on antibiotics I was cooked. As much as it sucked, I realized "we are killing these bugs, lets keep on going."
Must also add I started mirtazapine full time in early July. This drug was the best mental drug I've used. It really calmed my brain down and allowed me to relax and focus on what I had to do- fight. But it was strong and definitely slowed metabolism. I must say- if need be mirtazapine is strongest usable mental drug to help in fighting chronic illness in my opinion. But I’d recommend the lighter cyproheptadine if you can. These are drugs, but they may be needed. Honestly, if sleep is a major issue first try the cyproheptadine. It could be a game changer to keep you on track. Sleep is so crucial. Both of these medications help so much with sleep and just as importantly stress response so I had the power to take care of myself throughout the day.
At the end of this month of July, I noticed I was improving a little bit. A few days off of mirtazapine and antibiotics (to get MRI done on brain) left me realizing that I actually could be off an antidepressant without severe brain pain and anxiety. But I wasn't well, I wasn't comfortable being alive, I couldn't sleep. The depression and anxiety were still really bad, but I just realized that steps were taken forward. Lets keep going.
Around this time, I had done my share of reading now regarding Lyme Disease, CFS, really just about chronic disease. I found a couple stories online about two CFS recovery dudes- one used a RIFE machine quite a bit. I learned a lot from both of these guys- I will post links of "influences" like these guys soon. I also read a ton of Lyme stories and realized how stupid it would be for me to continue with antibiotics long term as they hurt the gut. I was feeling bloated, I barely made bowel movements (1 every 3 days). I had to do this naturally.
Healing Holistically and Beyond
I stopped antibiotics for good on the last week of July. I ordered a Spooky2 Central Essential with Phanotron Tube RIFE machine and had a sit down at a Low Level Cold Laser Therapy place for Lyme disease near my town. Both of these treatments use electrical frequencies to kill pathogens. Fascinating stuff- I couldn't wait to start them both.
Now we are at August 1st, and I was moving out of my parents house into a friend's condo 20 minutes away. I’d be working from home a few hours per day as I battled this. I really started getting disciplined and motivated this week and diet was really tidying up (paleo). I was using Buhner's herbs for Lyme and Mycoplasma along with transfer factor classic, colostrum, NAC, kombucha, and multivitamins. "Let's make this immune system strong and kill and kill."
Suicide was out of my mind. I was going to fight this at all costs with everyyyything I got. I was still horrible, waking up so badly in the morning and fatigue present at all times of the day, but everything was improving a little bit. I could even get a decent erection with some work at this time. But still shrunken, shriveled up penis and nuts. Still ZERO libido at all. Sometimes it felt like something in my body was pulling my penis inside it.
I started Rifing and going to the Cold Laser place around August 7th. I used that RIFE machine literally 15 hours per day. Throughout the night as I slept I'd stick "tens pads" to my body from the RIFE and use that, during the day I'd use the phanotron tube. I was herxing like crazy. This was the most powerful thing I have ever encountered- a RIFE machine. Who would have known.
It all really depended on the frequencies I used. I found some mycoplasma frequencies like 254, 454, 660, and 690 that just beat me up. I also found some universal frequencies like 727 and 728 that just caused my brain to explode. Another crazy thing about this machine is that it allows you to scan for frequencies that cause your body to react. It's called "pulse mode". It gives you your own respective most prevalent pathogens to attack in a program.
While using the frequency healing along with herbs, transfer factors, colostrum etc., I was killing the bugs quite well. It was obvious I wouldn’t need antibiotics. For detox I was doing coffee enemas and saunas. They both seemed to help a bit. Probably 5 times a week of each. I also started tinkering with cold showers.
While I wasn't seeing much improvement these first two weeks of RIFE and Lasor Treatment, I did notice my urine was getting darker and darker and I was waking up 2 or 3 times per night to pee. I was thinking that this had to be from the die off of the pathogens. I started learning that with my high ammonia levels along with beta glucorinidase and b12, maybe my liver had an issue with detoxing. I started realizing how bad ammonia can be for the human body. A well known Lyme doctor, Dr. Jernigan, believes that ammonia and its toxins are the main culprits for symptoms in Lyme. Also, @gbouldev will tell you ammonia is the cause for most cases of CFS.
Its late August now and I said fuck it. Lets fast for a couple weeks on juice, coffee enemas and sauna still, continue with RIFE and supplements as I fast and afterward move to a plant based raw type diet. I figured proteins could hurt a struggling liver (Andreas Moritz- I read some of his book that past March).
I was still on the mirtazapine at this time. I didn’t have any idea when I’d be able to get off, but the goal was to transition to cyproheptadine within a few months. Well on days 12-14 of the juice fast, I noticed a tiny bit of libido, ejaculate looked pretty normal now, my penis was growing back, nuts weren’t as badly sucked to my body, and better erections. I also noticed my urine was now clear all day and I was only waking up once a night. I was now making a bowel movement daily (liver flush a couple weeks later helped this even more.)
I stayed on the antidepressant for another week after the fast during which I played 45 holes of golf in a weekend. I was shocked my body allowed itself to do so. I surely experienced some fatigue, but it was not severe. I dropped the antidepressant, now around September 15th here, I was expecting to get hit by severe neuro symptoms when stopping. They never came. I was antidepressant-free, calm as anything.
When I realized I was truly antidepressant free, I just cried by myself on the couch listening to music. I couldn’t believe it. I actually felt this way without a drug holding my brain in place. I then went to a friend’s wedding a few days later and was able to handle a few alcoholic beverages. I had a drink the night before to test it out- I was fine. Man, wine tastes good. Remember, that previous winter alcohol drove my brain into a panic attack within a couple of hours of consumption. Now I reacted normal. I just couldn’t believe it.
Where I am now
Currently, I predominantly suffer from chronic fatigue issues. It is very hard for me to live a full day, never mind several full days in a row being in a standing or upright position the majority of the day. For instance, I went back to work this past week part time working in office from about 1pm to 7pm. Each of these days, I woke up and did a bunch of stuff like jogging, juicing, enemas, making meals for day, and going to the Low Level Cold Laser place before work twice. After work, I'd just pass out in the sauna for a half hour. Still, I ended up very fatigued by each day's end and Friday night I was pretty debilitated.
The fatigue carries with it some anxiety and depression, but more generally a down debilitated severe brain fog feeling. Fatigue is such a misunderstood word. "What happens, you get tired?" I get asked from time to time. Tired is not the word to be honest. Your body doesn't want to sleep, its not ready to sleep, but it just doesn't want to move. The body just wants to be down and at complete rest, but the brain is still awake and very much alive. Honestly, I think its all ammonia and toxins causing this. @GBolduev will tell you the same thing.
This morning (Sunday 10/8/17) is one of those that I really am fatigued. Woke up this way after that busy week and a golf tournament yesterday. I was about an hour and a half away from my house in Cape Cod at a friend's where about 12 dudes would be partying and sleeping. I had to drive back around 9pm last night. I was toasted from the week and that day of golf. My body is my precious cargo right now and I needed to put it somewhere it could relax and recover. That house was not the place for me. While still fatigued this morning, I'm glad I woke up home where I'll be able to give myself a day of detoxing with juicing, coffee enemas, sauna, and cold showers. These little choices seem small, but I feel end up adding up to be huge in recovery.
Sexually, I'm not well, but I'm shocked where I am compared to where I was only a month ago. My genitals grew back to full size and it appears they are here to stay knock on wood. My testicles very rarely shrink up to my body except during coffee enemas for some odd reason. My erections are smaller and weaker than they should be. I'd say they are at 20-30% overall.
Libido and sensitivity have been the last two things to peak their heads. I'd say they are currently at 5-10% max. I did a liver flush last week and this really seemed to help both. Will also say I was around a cute female for the several days after the flush, so that helped a bit too. I had zero libido ever until my juice fast. When I first felt it on day 12 of the fast, I was really shocked. I felt it on each of the last 3 days of the fast and it faded a little bit after, but I kept a solid portion of it for sure.
Nocturnal erections are very prevalent along with mornings to a lesser degree. I'd say I get nocturnals 9 out of 10 nights and mornings will be 4 to 5 of 10. At times, rock hard morning erections too so I'm surely more than pleased by this.
Realistically I understand that fatigue is the serious issue here. I need to be able to take care of myself, support myself financially, get on with my life in full. I believe this is going to take time to improve substantially, but I believe I have a solid plan set currently to attack this issue. I believe the whole @GBolduev health methodology will help fix this.
I am doing liver flushes every two weeks, will be fasting for 21 days on Breuss beginning on October, 20th, I am doing coffee enemas every other day, and saunas daily. I am using a couple herbals recommended by Dr. Jernigan for ammonia along with zeolite, shilajit, and chlorella/spirulina. I am currently juicing approximately 60 oz of fresh vegetable juice daily with one piece of fruit in each 30oz serving. I am drinking bone broths nightly before bed- enjoying these mightily.
Diet consists of (Gerson recommended) oatmeal pancakes each morning. I'd say I get possibly half my daily caloric intake from these as I'll snack on normally 5 of these pancakes throughout the morning with my juice. Just rolled oats, water, a little bit of apple sauce, stevia, and cinnamon these consist of. Occasionally, I'll do a tablespoon of organic Vermont maple syrup on top of these. The rest of the day I'll eat salads, rice, fish, and veggies.
I really just implicated this full diet about 2 weeks ago when I started reading @gbolduev's views. I was trying to mimic Gerson/Andreas Moritz type diets at the time and honestly adding the fish and the rice in since has been a game changer. These foods make me feel good when I eat them. I needed a quality form of protein even if its only once a day for dinner.
This is one of the last things on my mind right now, but I will be cycling RU486 throughout the holiday season after my 21 day fast. I don't understand the full science behind it like @gbolduev and @Tubzy, but I do understand that we completely messed around with the progesterone pathway by taking finasteride. I think we all must understand that hormonal pathways are delicate and if something significant occurs to them, they can change.
For instance, I flooded my system with hydrocortisone (synthetic cortisol) for 6 months in 2014. As I gradually stopped feeding my body this hormone, the body started making more of it. At the end of 2014 after stopping the hydrocortisone, I now had above range cortisol.
Finasteride is located in the human body in lower levels as well and we just put a ton of it in there. Way too much. That pathway got distorted. Something went wrong.
I hope @gbolduev is accurate and RU486 and/or Ella can really help and "reset" that pathway, but we have a ton of past evidence as to what gets guys better. Perfect health, cleaning out the gut, FASTING, etc. etc. If you really care about your health now you've read the recovery stories. You've spent countless hours on propeciahelp, solvepfs, raypeat. You've done the work. You can get better from this. Hundreds of guys have done it and recorded their stories. Read their work, learn from them.
I will soon be posting about a few of my greatest influences I've learned from on the web with links. I will also be writing more detailed posts about the therapies I'm undergoing to get myself better. I will be contributing to this forum and I hope I can help people along this ride.
This is going to be a journey- beating the PFS, the CFS, and its going to take some time and a lot of hard work. I'm A-OK though. I CAN enjoy life with these illnesses. I CAN enjoy watching sports, golfing, going out with friends. I CAN enjoy my family and my dog. I CAN enjoy a nice day on the beach or just joking around with co-workers in the office. I CAN enjoy women from time to time as I do now get aroused and CAN perform sexually. I'm trying to remain free from relationship until fatigue improves quite a bit, but if a woman I like crosses my path I'm not afraid to flirt and chase. I'm so confident in myself, perhaps more confident than I've been my entire life.
I just wrote a lot there, longest piece of work I'd say ever written by me. I believe this story must be written and recorded- this will be an art someday just like many of the recovery journals back to health many of us are familiar with. The next post that comes possibly half as long as this one will be my recovery post. In the meantime- I will live, I will laugh, I will love, and I will appreciate this life I am so lucky to have. I could've ended it easily during those hard times or done something incredibly stupid. I'm just so glad I'm here and improving so gracefully. I'm so glad I'm me. Remember, I'm Anthony.
Lets keep on going!!!
Secondly, @GBolduev coming along providing his views to help get us out of this mess was really a godsend for me. I was on a path based on everything I've learned to get better, and @GBolduev truly validated and added quite a bit more to what exactly I am trying to do. He has given me more of an exact guide to mold my plan after. Whereas before I was very back and forth about a lot of things weighing Gerson Therapy, Andreas Moritz type treatment.. now I have a legitimate plan with @GBolduev that I can 100% buy into and proceed with. I really got into his stuff only 2 weeks ago on my birthday after speaking to my friend @freeflow. What a gift huh?
Now, I have a long story here. I'm going to write it because why not? You don't have to read my pre-PFS days. If you don't have time, I'd advise skipping to PFS or all the way to the beginning of my "Holistic Healing" section. I feel this way because I believe a good portion of PFS guys also now have a form of CFS like myself. In this form of CFS, pathogens and their toxins cause mayhem throughout the body.
Pathogens exist to make your lives miserable eating at your minerals and vitamins while releasing toxins that are just horrible for the body. They eat, they reproduce, they shit, and die in you. Their toxic wastes include ammonia which is basically poison for our tissues and the brain.
PFS gives pathogens and their toxins the ability to thrive and make your life worse. With PFS your endocrine system is now weakened, your metabolic rate now insufficient- a metabolic rate that was previously ammo to keep pathogens and their substances out of play.
While we all can hope a special drug can reverse our horrible PFS symptoms, I believe there is a lot more to it than that. We need to remove these deadly critters and their wastes so our bodies can reverse track. I’m especially speaking to those that have the severe mental and physical sides beyond sexual from PFS.
Fatigue, chemical depression and anxiety, poor sleep, weakness, joint pain, you name it. Pathogens and their toxins are causing this- not PFS itself. The PFS surely has allowed this to happen, but we can reverse these CFS type symptoms. I’m doing it right now.. and the PFS symptoms are decreasing as well.
Here’s my story that I’m sure won’t end for another couple years or so. But it will end and there will be an amazing new beginning one day. I am sure of that. I am so confident.
My Pre PFS Days
I just turned 29 last week and sadly I must say the majority of my 20s have been a bit of a health adventure. There's really only one way to put it. I handled it horribly the majority of the way- especially last October.
For some reason, after graduating college in 2011 at 22, I realized I just wasn't myself. It was crazy- I could always go out and do what I wanted physically throughout my whole life until then. The last 8 weeks of college I went on a little bender drinking like 6 nights a week and eating horribly putting on a quick 15 lbs.
I worked a night job after that bender for a couple months then started working in the day. Something just happened where I'd suddenly be fatigued from just average days. Work days, golf, alcohol- things just started beating me up badly. I'd be taking naps in cars after work, workouts didn't produce results, muscle wasting. A muscular frame went scrawny and a belly started to build up. I was working out 4-6 times per week with a decent diet living not perfectly but perfectly decent. I also didn't realize that anxiety started affecting me significantly as well. I just wasn't the same anymore these next two years after college at 23, 24.
I took the wrong path man. No other way to put it. I started chasing hormones and being far more concerned about these levels than what the heck was actually wrong with me. Doctors saw these low hormone levels and agreed with me.
They tested me for Lyme in 2014 at the age of 25 and it came back "negative" as they told me. Well, I found the test in my files 3 years later and it actually says "equivocal." This should have been addressed by my doctor and it was not unfortunately. I messed up- I should have looked into this paperwork.
The major relevant test that came back in 2014 was a very low cortisol test result. This result was bottom of the barrel low well below the range all day. Thing is- it was that low because I beat myself up that previous weekend. Probably just drinking on Saturday, but my Mondays were always awful after drinking on Saturdays. So this particular Monday I took this test and that's probably the only day of the week my cortisol was actually that severely low.
The doctor told me I had adrenal fatigue and I used hydrocortisone the next 6 months. The last 2 of those 6 months I tapered off from 20mg- 2.5 mg per week or so. During the taper, I felt awful and was getting worse the more I dropped the dose. Suddenly out of nowhere I started feeling really a ton better when I got to 2.5 mg. We receive some saliva cortisol results a few weeks later when I was totally off of the HC to find it at the top of the range! There's a reason why I feel great now- the hydrocortisone worked! Little did I know.
3 months later, cortisol crashed again-mid 2015 now. Symptoms came back. Low cortisol this time but it was just low end of the range. I was fine at this time but stress response wasn't great. I realized taking natural testosterone boosters really gave me a boost. D-Aspartic acid was my favorite one. Clomid helped too. I was living pretty decently working 50 hours a week, could golf, go out with friends and drink on weekends. I couldn't push the limits though. I worked out and stayed in okay shape.
Come early 2016, I decided to really go down the hormone route. I didn't like the way clomid made me feel long term and DAA didn't seem to have lasting effects. Its like both of them gave me a 2 month high and that would be it. And that high kept on declining. I started using TRT cream with pregenenolone and t3 with the help of someone who had a detailed plan on how to use these hormones to "raise metabolic rate". Man his stuff really worked- I hate saying it. I felt great for the most part- with some fatigue here and there and I just didn't get it but anxiety was worse too looking back.
I felt strong though, I was happy, I was really enjoying life again. I had my little band aid all figured out. "My hormones were messed up so I use hormones." I thought I was so smart...
Insanity
I took finasteride due to the hair loss TRT was causing in late October, early November 2016. I really thought it could only effect libido (as I was told and figured with lowering DHT) and mine was through the roof on TRT. I was extremely negligent for allowing this drug to go in my mouth. I could try to blame others, but me taking this drug was 99.99% my fault. Sure a doctor prescribed it, sure I was given some bad information from someone I trusted. This is all on me- I had health issues, I should have been a million times more careful.
I used it for 3 weeks and stopped it after fatigue and sleep issues. I quickly got better after stopping, I literally felt it when it came out of my system say 72 hours after my last dose. I was in office and felt a sudden major surge of libido and just a feeling of niceness like I had just smoked a joint, sounds were more evident, and lights were brighter. "Nice, that stupid hair pill is out of my system now thank God"! 3 weeks after stopping- the mental explosion that went off in my head truly can not be described.
My brain just went nuts, panic attack after panic attack, incapability of sleep. The racing thoughts were nonstop and constant. I was in office when this all happened and I had no idea what was going on. I thought there was something wrong with cortisol from the pregnenolone and t3 initially. I messed around with preg, t3, testo doses. Brain spinning in circles, diagonal circles to be more clear. It felt like my brain was 5 feet above my head. My blood pressure shot through the roof... after being normally 130/80 most afternoons it jumped to 160/100 and sometimes higher. I was so freakin messed up and didn’t know what to do other than take drugs to calm me down. It was so horrible and just an experience you couldn't possibly make up.
Its like my brain was moving at 1000 MPH and life was moving at 5MPH. When I watched TV I couldn't concentrate as brain was moving way faster than the screen. I was freezing- the cold New England winter weather itself caused panic attacks, I couldn't sleep, I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong.
I started researching post finasteride syndrome. I came into contact with Tubzy and another longtime PFS fighter and they both thought I should try 5a-dhp. But yea, I figured out what PFS really was. It was bad, but most guys didn’t have these crazy symptoms!
I started seeing doctors and tried to continue with TRT, but I couldn't function mentally without an anti-anxiety or antidepressant. My HPA axis was so fast spitting cortisol out rapidly in the morning and then burning out later in the day. My breath would taste so horrible by evening and my parents smelled it (I had moved home with them immediately upon crashing).
These were my cortisol results when I crashed...
830am 16 (13-24)
12:30am 20!!! (5-10)
530pm 4 (3-8)
10pm 3 (1-4)
My body was so stressed. I had no idea why. I just thought I had PFS and now a brain problem. Stupidly, I really started trying to figure out the antidepressant and band-aid route for a few months as that’s what my doctor wanted too.
I knew I needed an antidepressant. I overthought this stuff though. I was A-OK on cyproheptadine to start fighting PFS and finding my real ailment beyond PFS in late January. But instead I kept trying antidepressants the next 4 months and kept trying TRT which made anxiety worse and worse and sexual symptoms started getting horrible TRT or not.
I got off TRT in March. I was completely impotent. Looking back, yea, I couldn't have gotten hard for Rihanna. My cock was 1/2 the size it once was and my balls were shrunken up and stuck to my body. My penis was just there for peeing and that was it. Couldn't believe this was actually real.
Mental and physical symptoms kept getting worse as I woke up every single morning with the worst fatigue and fog you could imagine. I wanted to start fighting at this point and did a 6 day juice fast with the help of Ativan (anti-anxiety) in mid March. I just felt even worse afterward. A liver flush in early April gave me some relief for about 24 hours while still mentally medicated.
I started realizing either we had to find out what was really wrong with me or my life was over. I was terribly sick. This wasn't just PFS. Suicide kept wandering my mind, but I had to give this a shot. I had to give this time. Every time I'd taper off benzos though, the suicidal thoughts just couldn't stop. I couldn't stand up straight off the mental meds.. life a constant panic attack and my brain would hurt so much. My neuro issues were worsening significantly. I had to figure out what was wrong with me... now.
During this time period- mid-December through May, I barely worked (like 15 hours per week) for my family's company. I spent almost all my time in bed. I couldn't watch sports. I'm a huge college basketball fan- I really don't remember March Madness right now. I didn't watch the games. Watching Tom Brady bring the Pats back in the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history wasn't even fun. I just thought my life was over.
I had alcohol 3 times during this horrible time period as well. Each time caused the worst panic attacks imaginable only an hour or two after stopping drinking. I'm talking only 2 glasses of wine causing this.
I will say one thing I did do during this time period. I read and I learned. I also found elevated beta glucuronidase in a stool kit along with elevated b12 for no apparent reason. I theorized the liver was having a detox issue based on these results and reading up on them. While a definite issue, I actually thought this was the core of my issues. I needed help badly. I got it.
Hello Myco-freakin-plasma
I found Shawn Bean because Konflict and Slayo over on solvepfs were talking about him. I realized I had actually spoken to him on a forum back in 2013 when I was doing hormones. His advice in 2013 essentially.. "You need to look beyond the hormones." Ugh. I just wish I knew who he was back then and listened!
I flew to Philly in Mid May. I remember it was game 1 of Celtics-Cavs series I watched a bit in my hotel room there. I kind of just knew it- whatever Shawn found or whatever we were doing to get me better would include a strict diet. So I literally ate 30 dollars of candy in the airport, had an amazing French Toast breakfast as a late night snack after the Celtics game at a diner. Just splurged on food. I’m a foodie at heart- this diet stuff nowadays ain’t fun for me.
The appointment with Shawn went great. I just knew he was a genius 5 minutes into talking with him. Did I think he could help me? No, I didn't think anyone could help me. I thought I was worst case scenario and there was no way out. I realized I had to give Shawn a chance though.
After seeing him, I went and had bloodwork done for him- like 70 tubes worth. A couple days later in late May, a family fight regarding treatment (they wanted me to see a local psychiatrist and his team, I wanted to work with just Shawn) led to me hucking a water bottle across the room and breaking a cabinet. My parents called the cops on me and I ended up being taken in an ambulance to a mental institution. "Well this will be interesting, at least I get to experience a mental home before I die."
The first night there, I was given an antipsychotic and I woke up the next morning HORRRIBLE. I was so freakin mad. From there I just messed around trying antidepressants for 14 days from a Doctor who just didn't respect me one bit. On his write up "he's blaming his mental health issue on a pill he took this past November." I'd love to punch this guy out one day.
I behaved very well there and was good to the workers and especially the patients there, I will say that. I found drugs that kept me "stable." Mirtazapine, benzos, lithium got me through my stay. I thought I’d need to find an antidepressant (beyond benzos or cyproheptadine) for years as my neuro issues were that bad.
I realized here that I’m probably the only person in the room that could possibly heal himself of severe mental illness. I stopped feeling bad for myself by the end of my stay. I’m still me. Most of these people really have no chance out. They weren’t mentally or physically adept to do so.
I still had my wits when I was medicated, I was just so weak and felt so horrible every second of everyday. "Maybeee, I have a chance though. Maybe we’ll figure this out," I sometimes pondered. As a friend told me when I got out after finding out I was suicidal, “You’re Anthony. You don’t quit.” That stuck with me.
I received bloodwork from Shawn via email during that stay. "Why didn't you get the pathogens done? Interesting stuff though, manganese is very low, I'm thinking it could be mycoplasma." I didn't think much of it other than "yea I'll get these bloods done when I get out." I had the rest of the bloods done a few days after getting out.
The Pathogen test came back showing an insanely high mycoplasma infection and several other infections including Epstein Barr. I went online and started "googling" mycoplasma and legitimately nobody had anything nearly as high as mine:
3600 IGG and 3700 IGM. Most people online were saying how hard it was to eradicate when it would be below 1000 IGM or IGG. Man it freaked me out. I had no chance- "PFS and this, my life is over."
Shawn sent me to a neurologist in NYC. I had all these PFS autoimmune disease theories at this point and that maybe IVIG therapy was the way out of PFS and this doctor was keen on this. It gave me hope. She also found Lyme, babesia, bartonella, rickettsia along with elevated ammonia levels in my blood.
We did a month of antibiotics beginning in early July- clarithromycine and minocycline. I started herxing like crazy sometimes on the antibiotics. A herx is short for the "herxheimer reaction"- when you kill pathogens, the toxins from die off give you some pretty difficult neuro symptoms to deal with. Man the first night of herxing on antibiotics I was cooked. As much as it sucked, I realized "we are killing these bugs, lets keep on going."
Must also add I started mirtazapine full time in early July. This drug was the best mental drug I've used. It really calmed my brain down and allowed me to relax and focus on what I had to do- fight. But it was strong and definitely slowed metabolism. I must say- if need be mirtazapine is strongest usable mental drug to help in fighting chronic illness in my opinion. But I’d recommend the lighter cyproheptadine if you can. These are drugs, but they may be needed. Honestly, if sleep is a major issue first try the cyproheptadine. It could be a game changer to keep you on track. Sleep is so crucial. Both of these medications help so much with sleep and just as importantly stress response so I had the power to take care of myself throughout the day.
At the end of this month of July, I noticed I was improving a little bit. A few days off of mirtazapine and antibiotics (to get MRI done on brain) left me realizing that I actually could be off an antidepressant without severe brain pain and anxiety. But I wasn't well, I wasn't comfortable being alive, I couldn't sleep. The depression and anxiety were still really bad, but I just realized that steps were taken forward. Lets keep going.
Around this time, I had done my share of reading now regarding Lyme Disease, CFS, really just about chronic disease. I found a couple stories online about two CFS recovery dudes- one used a RIFE machine quite a bit. I learned a lot from both of these guys- I will post links of "influences" like these guys soon. I also read a ton of Lyme stories and realized how stupid it would be for me to continue with antibiotics long term as they hurt the gut. I was feeling bloated, I barely made bowel movements (1 every 3 days). I had to do this naturally.
Healing Holistically and Beyond
I stopped antibiotics for good on the last week of July. I ordered a Spooky2 Central Essential with Phanotron Tube RIFE machine and had a sit down at a Low Level Cold Laser Therapy place for Lyme disease near my town. Both of these treatments use electrical frequencies to kill pathogens. Fascinating stuff- I couldn't wait to start them both.
Now we are at August 1st, and I was moving out of my parents house into a friend's condo 20 minutes away. I’d be working from home a few hours per day as I battled this. I really started getting disciplined and motivated this week and diet was really tidying up (paleo). I was using Buhner's herbs for Lyme and Mycoplasma along with transfer factor classic, colostrum, NAC, kombucha, and multivitamins. "Let's make this immune system strong and kill and kill."
Suicide was out of my mind. I was going to fight this at all costs with everyyyything I got. I was still horrible, waking up so badly in the morning and fatigue present at all times of the day, but everything was improving a little bit. I could even get a decent erection with some work at this time. But still shrunken, shriveled up penis and nuts. Still ZERO libido at all. Sometimes it felt like something in my body was pulling my penis inside it.
I started Rifing and going to the Cold Laser place around August 7th. I used that RIFE machine literally 15 hours per day. Throughout the night as I slept I'd stick "tens pads" to my body from the RIFE and use that, during the day I'd use the phanotron tube. I was herxing like crazy. This was the most powerful thing I have ever encountered- a RIFE machine. Who would have known.
It all really depended on the frequencies I used. I found some mycoplasma frequencies like 254, 454, 660, and 690 that just beat me up. I also found some universal frequencies like 727 and 728 that just caused my brain to explode. Another crazy thing about this machine is that it allows you to scan for frequencies that cause your body to react. It's called "pulse mode". It gives you your own respective most prevalent pathogens to attack in a program.
While using the frequency healing along with herbs, transfer factors, colostrum etc., I was killing the bugs quite well. It was obvious I wouldn’t need antibiotics. For detox I was doing coffee enemas and saunas. They both seemed to help a bit. Probably 5 times a week of each. I also started tinkering with cold showers.
While I wasn't seeing much improvement these first two weeks of RIFE and Lasor Treatment, I did notice my urine was getting darker and darker and I was waking up 2 or 3 times per night to pee. I was thinking that this had to be from the die off of the pathogens. I started learning that with my high ammonia levels along with beta glucorinidase and b12, maybe my liver had an issue with detoxing. I started realizing how bad ammonia can be for the human body. A well known Lyme doctor, Dr. Jernigan, believes that ammonia and its toxins are the main culprits for symptoms in Lyme. Also, @gbouldev will tell you ammonia is the cause for most cases of CFS.
Its late August now and I said fuck it. Lets fast for a couple weeks on juice, coffee enemas and sauna still, continue with RIFE and supplements as I fast and afterward move to a plant based raw type diet. I figured proteins could hurt a struggling liver (Andreas Moritz- I read some of his book that past March).
I was still on the mirtazapine at this time. I didn’t have any idea when I’d be able to get off, but the goal was to transition to cyproheptadine within a few months. Well on days 12-14 of the juice fast, I noticed a tiny bit of libido, ejaculate looked pretty normal now, my penis was growing back, nuts weren’t as badly sucked to my body, and better erections. I also noticed my urine was now clear all day and I was only waking up once a night. I was now making a bowel movement daily (liver flush a couple weeks later helped this even more.)
I stayed on the antidepressant for another week after the fast during which I played 45 holes of golf in a weekend. I was shocked my body allowed itself to do so. I surely experienced some fatigue, but it was not severe. I dropped the antidepressant, now around September 15th here, I was expecting to get hit by severe neuro symptoms when stopping. They never came. I was antidepressant-free, calm as anything.
When I realized I was truly antidepressant free, I just cried by myself on the couch listening to music. I couldn’t believe it. I actually felt this way without a drug holding my brain in place. I then went to a friend’s wedding a few days later and was able to handle a few alcoholic beverages. I had a drink the night before to test it out- I was fine. Man, wine tastes good. Remember, that previous winter alcohol drove my brain into a panic attack within a couple of hours of consumption. Now I reacted normal. I just couldn’t believe it.
Where I am now
Currently, I predominantly suffer from chronic fatigue issues. It is very hard for me to live a full day, never mind several full days in a row being in a standing or upright position the majority of the day. For instance, I went back to work this past week part time working in office from about 1pm to 7pm. Each of these days, I woke up and did a bunch of stuff like jogging, juicing, enemas, making meals for day, and going to the Low Level Cold Laser place before work twice. After work, I'd just pass out in the sauna for a half hour. Still, I ended up very fatigued by each day's end and Friday night I was pretty debilitated.
The fatigue carries with it some anxiety and depression, but more generally a down debilitated severe brain fog feeling. Fatigue is such a misunderstood word. "What happens, you get tired?" I get asked from time to time. Tired is not the word to be honest. Your body doesn't want to sleep, its not ready to sleep, but it just doesn't want to move. The body just wants to be down and at complete rest, but the brain is still awake and very much alive. Honestly, I think its all ammonia and toxins causing this. @GBolduev will tell you the same thing.
This morning (Sunday 10/8/17) is one of those that I really am fatigued. Woke up this way after that busy week and a golf tournament yesterday. I was about an hour and a half away from my house in Cape Cod at a friend's where about 12 dudes would be partying and sleeping. I had to drive back around 9pm last night. I was toasted from the week and that day of golf. My body is my precious cargo right now and I needed to put it somewhere it could relax and recover. That house was not the place for me. While still fatigued this morning, I'm glad I woke up home where I'll be able to give myself a day of detoxing with juicing, coffee enemas, sauna, and cold showers. These little choices seem small, but I feel end up adding up to be huge in recovery.
Sexually, I'm not well, but I'm shocked where I am compared to where I was only a month ago. My genitals grew back to full size and it appears they are here to stay knock on wood. My testicles very rarely shrink up to my body except during coffee enemas for some odd reason. My erections are smaller and weaker than they should be. I'd say they are at 20-30% overall.
Libido and sensitivity have been the last two things to peak their heads. I'd say they are currently at 5-10% max. I did a liver flush last week and this really seemed to help both. Will also say I was around a cute female for the several days after the flush, so that helped a bit too. I had zero libido ever until my juice fast. When I first felt it on day 12 of the fast, I was really shocked. I felt it on each of the last 3 days of the fast and it faded a little bit after, but I kept a solid portion of it for sure.
Nocturnal erections are very prevalent along with mornings to a lesser degree. I'd say I get nocturnals 9 out of 10 nights and mornings will be 4 to 5 of 10. At times, rock hard morning erections too so I'm surely more than pleased by this.
Realistically I understand that fatigue is the serious issue here. I need to be able to take care of myself, support myself financially, get on with my life in full. I believe this is going to take time to improve substantially, but I believe I have a solid plan set currently to attack this issue. I believe the whole @GBolduev health methodology will help fix this.
I am doing liver flushes every two weeks, will be fasting for 21 days on Breuss beginning on October, 20th, I am doing coffee enemas every other day, and saunas daily. I am using a couple herbals recommended by Dr. Jernigan for ammonia along with zeolite, shilajit, and chlorella/spirulina. I am currently juicing approximately 60 oz of fresh vegetable juice daily with one piece of fruit in each 30oz serving. I am drinking bone broths nightly before bed- enjoying these mightily.
Diet consists of (Gerson recommended) oatmeal pancakes each morning. I'd say I get possibly half my daily caloric intake from these as I'll snack on normally 5 of these pancakes throughout the morning with my juice. Just rolled oats, water, a little bit of apple sauce, stevia, and cinnamon these consist of. Occasionally, I'll do a tablespoon of organic Vermont maple syrup on top of these. The rest of the day I'll eat salads, rice, fish, and veggies.
I really just implicated this full diet about 2 weeks ago when I started reading @gbolduev's views. I was trying to mimic Gerson/Andreas Moritz type diets at the time and honestly adding the fish and the rice in since has been a game changer. These foods make me feel good when I eat them. I needed a quality form of protein even if its only once a day for dinner.
This is one of the last things on my mind right now, but I will be cycling RU486 throughout the holiday season after my 21 day fast. I don't understand the full science behind it like @gbolduev and @Tubzy, but I do understand that we completely messed around with the progesterone pathway by taking finasteride. I think we all must understand that hormonal pathways are delicate and if something significant occurs to them, they can change.
For instance, I flooded my system with hydrocortisone (synthetic cortisol) for 6 months in 2014. As I gradually stopped feeding my body this hormone, the body started making more of it. At the end of 2014 after stopping the hydrocortisone, I now had above range cortisol.
Finasteride is located in the human body in lower levels as well and we just put a ton of it in there. Way too much. That pathway got distorted. Something went wrong.
I hope @gbolduev is accurate and RU486 and/or Ella can really help and "reset" that pathway, but we have a ton of past evidence as to what gets guys better. Perfect health, cleaning out the gut, FASTING, etc. etc. If you really care about your health now you've read the recovery stories. You've spent countless hours on propeciahelp, solvepfs, raypeat. You've done the work. You can get better from this. Hundreds of guys have done it and recorded their stories. Read their work, learn from them.
I will soon be posting about a few of my greatest influences I've learned from on the web with links. I will also be writing more detailed posts about the therapies I'm undergoing to get myself better. I will be contributing to this forum and I hope I can help people along this ride.
This is going to be a journey- beating the PFS, the CFS, and its going to take some time and a lot of hard work. I'm A-OK though. I CAN enjoy life with these illnesses. I CAN enjoy watching sports, golfing, going out with friends. I CAN enjoy my family and my dog. I CAN enjoy a nice day on the beach or just joking around with co-workers in the office. I CAN enjoy women from time to time as I do now get aroused and CAN perform sexually. I'm trying to remain free from relationship until fatigue improves quite a bit, but if a woman I like crosses my path I'm not afraid to flirt and chase. I'm so confident in myself, perhaps more confident than I've been my entire life.
I just wrote a lot there, longest piece of work I'd say ever written by me. I believe this story must be written and recorded- this will be an art someday just like many of the recovery journals back to health many of us are familiar with. The next post that comes possibly half as long as this one will be my recovery post. In the meantime- I will live, I will laugh, I will love, and I will appreciate this life I am so lucky to have. I could've ended it easily during those hard times or done something incredibly stupid. I'm just so glad I'm here and improving so gracefully. I'm so glad I'm me. Remember, I'm Anthony.
Lets keep on going!!!
