Do you know who you are?

[wuf]

Do you know who you are?
I am a PFS veteran, it means I'm suffering from 13 strong long years.
During so many years I have been thru all fases of PFS and I have been inside so many types of body chemistries.
In 13 years my body has changed a lot, going around all kinds of imbalances.. Where performing has been so much different regarding all departments of life.
I have been a different person in sex, a different person in sport, a different person in relationships with girls and friends, a different person at job, a different person to my personal feeling and sensitivity and a different person in my soul.
I am at the point of asking myself, who am I? What does it mean to be recovered? During these years I understood that there are so many different degrees of feeling sex, of being depressed, of feeling anxious, of experiencing pleasure and joy, really so many possibilities of feelings that moved me to multiple personality working in a different way.
So, at this moment how could I say I am recovered?
I even don't know who I am anymore.
Is this happening also to you?

 

[raven]

It is funny, when I first had PSSD I felt like I was not myself and that pre-PSSD was the 'real' me. But even before PSSD I was struggling with a lot of anxiety, so I had the belief that I wasn't the 'real' me during those times as well.

Now I don't think in terms of getting back to my 'real' self anymore. It is all me. It was me when I was anxious, it is me now that I have PSSD, and it is also me when I am happy and carefree.

That doesn't mean I accept all the symptoms I struggle with, I will fight to improve them all, but it is liberating in a way to accept that this is who I am right now, and to not constantly feel like I am an alien compared to who I used to be.

 

[MNK99]

Very Poetic My Friend. @wuf.
You Can be you again to the fullest, though older and ideally wiser. I'm not the same as during crash or when feeling completely hopeless. Nor the same as at 21. But near same ish as a few years ago. Sometimes angrier, sometimes so much calmer, but I hope not "stuck" like I once was.

I was a crazed, eccentric long haired 20 something... and teen.... but things change. SOme for the better, some for the worst. I will ensure my impact is more positive than negative on this earth. And I become what I want to. Life is an infinite array of changes, whereby only some are controllable. We need to hold onto those things in our control.

After PSSD and Mania, probably got closer to "the real me" and it was extremely frightening. Until I could control things, and fix things. But even then, that understanding changed. It wasn't as shattering. I'd say PFS, severe mania, severe depression (with PFS) were among the worst things that ever happened to me. But the longterm suffering, can be minimized with knowledge here. Times make the man, more than we make the times... but we can only go forward. Adaptation is necessary no matter what happens to us, and dealing with it with dignity. PFS is a small aspect of what life had for me, but it will be cured. And even then, at times life will be a bitch. BUT far and away not hopeless nor completely miserable - contrary to how it seemed in the onset and time afterward.

Stronger, is the only way we can be... I'm not religious, though am at times spiritual. It's like some pray to be stronger, and not have things easier. There will always be issues in this life. As long as we are eventually free, and healthy, and maybe even optimized. LIving life on our terms... the insults to us, like PFS -- hold less value than what we bring to the world, whatever that may be. We are insignificant to the universe, it continues anyways. ANd yet, we are part of it.

I know who I am. Many different hats. I'm a soldier. I'll see it thru, till the end.
I also know which parts are good, which parts are bad. And which are crucial. Which need to be emphasized, when and where.

 

[bruschi11]

I don’t yet but I believe I’ll grow into someone stronger than I would have been due to the health problems the last 8 years.

I only got PFS 26 months ago and will say pfs is a different animal. Where the only thing I truly care about is beating pfs. With pfs, the Anhedonia even when feeling well can be brutal.

 

[Trump_1776]

I understand what you mean, man. I've really spearheaded this (had a lot of motivation, lost a girlfriend, etc). But really yeah dude there were pieces of me I'm still trying to put back together, but I'm doing okay most days

 

[tonysoprano]

Not sure how to say this right but a small part of me is happy this happened. I would not be the strong diligent risktaker I am. Battling this with all I have has given me so many unique skills and responsibilities that I have not gotten otherwise. Once I conquer this ( I really do think I'm close) I can conquer anything. We are all warriors for waking up everyday and fighting this head on.

Do I wish this never happened to me? Yes.
But once I get past it, I will be God Damn happy it did.

 

[raven]

Not sure how to say this right but a small part of me is happy this happened. I would not be the strong diligent risktaker I am. Battling this with all I have has given me so many unique skills and responsibilities that I have not gotten otherwise. Once I conquer this ( I really do think I'm close) I can conquer anything. We are all warriors for waking up everyday and fighting this head on.

Do I wish this never happened to me? Yes.
But once I get past it, I will be God Damn happy it did.

Well said

 

[MNK99]

you are what you are in this world.
but what if you are many of "you" in many alternate realities. which one would you rather live? does it matter?

You ask a lot of questions WUF. I point this out, because I do too. In life, I am very inquisitive.
The happiest people, ask nothing and think nothing.


(im talking about a person who does this, no one here).
--How do you choose the right thing, way to be, exist, live, code...
--when it's all a game to you?
-and the choices get darker and darker, and the stakes increase, and you're power increases... say even over life and death?
-you know you can do it anytime you want.
--how do you remain good? do you even have a choice?
--hasn't it all been decided before, and what difference does it make?
--goodness cannot prevail over evil at all times.

--how do you keep yourself in the light, when you dwell in the shadows.
--you're everywhere, but nowhere.
--you're everyone but no one.
--sometimes you can't believe your choices, "but you were just kidding", having fun.
-"we all did it".
--no matter how you justify it, is it true it's all just an effort to amuse yourself, in a bleak, cold, unloving world?
--is it not true that you stopped caring, or even trying to care years ago?
-who are you?

--it doesn't matter.
--because at the end of the day, you see it how you want to, are forced to, or how "you force" it to be seen.
-you look for answers, where there are none.
-and yet ... you know, you must go on.


--what are you trying to say? it was all a joke initially. this is why it's better to suppress emotions and feel nothing. the robotic male does not emote.
(so you take your joys where you can?
or you give up?
or you suffer forever? i don't know interpret/ finish however you want. it's possible i don't believe in any words, period.).

 

[BeLikeWater]

Imagine you can construct yourself to a better state than before pfs. Btw all that you are commenting I was thinking also. Body chemistry affects how we perceive and how we react to the world.

 

[zadig777]

i know im not me with pssd
my life stopped when pssd arrived
im not accepting this as myself
its either im gonna fix this or im out of here...

i had terrible depersonalisation before pssd and also had identity doubts back than,but this is different dimension

 

[Walker]

Not sure how to say this right but a small part of me is happy this happened. I would not be the strong diligent risktaker I am. Battling this with all I have has given me so many unique skills and responsibilities that I have not gotten otherwise. Once I conquer this ( I really do think I'm close) I can conquer anything. We are all warriors for waking up everyday and fighting this head on.

Do I wish this never happened to me? Yes.
But once I get past it, I will be God Damn happy it did.

This is very well said, my friend.

With this attitude, you’ll have this beat before you know it.

 

[Snow1]

Imagine you can construct yourself to a better state than before pfs. Btw all that you are commenting I was thinking also. Body chemistry affects how we perceive and how we react to the world.

I believe we can, I believe it’s time and good health along with either ARL or TEI with consistent daily Saunas, enemas, spring water etc... and when I say time I’m thinking a few years of dedication through mineral balancing and detox protocols and not just giving up in a few months because you feel worse. Your right @BeLikeWater body chemistry is everything. I don’t think there is any shortcuts here, and trying shortcuts could potentially harm our healing. For me maybe PFS was a blessing as I’m on the journey now to better health and I trust my body to bring me out of this and feel even better physically and spiritually and I’ve accepted it could take a couple of years.

 

[BeLikeWater]

I believe we can, I believe it’s time and good health along with either ARL or TEI with consistent daily Saunas, enemas, spring water etc... and when I say time I’m thinking a few years of dedication through mineral balancing and detox protocols and not just giving up in a few months because you feel worse. Your right @BeLikeWater body chemistry is everything. I don’t think there is any shortcuts here, and trying shortcuts could potentially harm our healing. For me maybe PFS was a blessing as I’m on the journey now to better health and I trust my body to bring me out of this and feel even better physically and spiritually and I’ve accepted it could take a couple of years.

I took 2 months ago some HCL I thibk it was histidine and Potassium and my chemistry conpletly resetted the next days, all the change in nervous action from traumas, heavy drugs, pfs ALL was reversed for a day, was kinda powerfull to get back to a prior stage than before pfs, I dont know what happened. Anywaus I also have noticed how we have compartilized memories variyng on our body chemistry, meaning we have access tl different type of memories based on our homeostasis also type of feelings of course, all is connected.

 

[BC2018]

My Life Has Been Ruined by an Anti-Baldness Drug – Member Feature Stories – Medium

"In February 2012, soon after experiencing what’s termed the “crash”—when all or most of the symptoms come on suddenly during or after quitting the medication—I stumbled across propeciahelp.com, a site dedicated to men with my condition that was set up back in 2003. The more I read, the more my hope faded. Some guys were describing how they’d suffered this for 10 years or more. The thud-thud-silence of my heart’s contractions reverberated in my ears as I sat up in bed alone that night feeling nothing but dread and the memories of myself as I was, locked away somewhere in the interstices of my mind, unreachable and apparently now set to self-destruct."